GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
