bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
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I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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