Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
