Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
