i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
