Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
