just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
