You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
