She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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