i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
