apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
