I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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