Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
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Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
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Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
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