I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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