I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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