forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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