I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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