I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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