oh fat girl friday strikes again...
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
