textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
