No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
