my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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