She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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