I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
