Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
