All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
