It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
