I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
