we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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