I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
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We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
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You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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