So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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