I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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