My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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