So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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