No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
