Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize