I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
