Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
