Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
