We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
