I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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