don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
