i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
