Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
