Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
