Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I need mimosas to revive my soul
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
