I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
