i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
