he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
