Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
