I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
