Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
