Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
So squirting runs in the family.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.