im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.