I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
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It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
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Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD