My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
